Do you often find yourself searching for words to describe LGBTQ+ families? Should you say “families with same-sex parents”? “LGBTQ+ families?” “Kids with two moms or two dads?” Because preferences vary, why not ask? There is no single right way to ask this question, but you can show respect as you give each family the opportunity to voice their preference. You can say something like: “We work with lots of different types of families, and we try to use words that each family prefers. Is there a way that you prefer for me to describe your family?"

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Before doing away with labels that feel outdated or offensive, do your research and ask the LGBTQ+ families in your program how they refer to one another. Then demonstrate respect by using the terms that they have chosen. LGBTQ+ couples may actually prefer to be called husbands or wives, and you can only find this out by asking.

However, forms that require the input of a “mother” and a “father” could be changed to read “parent/guardian 1 and parent/guardian 2” or “parent/caregiver.” Include options to indicate whether each adult is a parent, foster parent, extended family member, etc., so that everyone feels seen and accepted.

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“Families” might be a more inclusive option, but this depends on the nature of your communication. Keep in mind that the word “parents” might exclude many types of diverse family structures (such as extended family members who care for the children in your program). 

At the same time, be sure to recognize LGBTQ+ parents as parents, rather than diminishing their roles with language that is too generic. Consider what makes sense in the context of different types of communication, rather than enforcing rigid rules in an effort to standardize all of your interactions.

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When considering ways to make language more inclusive, it can be beneficial to have a clear idea of who it is you are trying to include. When it comes to language, it can be tempting to focus on the words and fail to consider the people we use them with and the relationships that give them meaning. So, rather than defaulting to generic language and assuming that it will work for everyone, learn more about people as individuals so that you can better respect their preferences.

Some teachers use the term “grownups” when referring to the adults in children’s lives. This term gives teachers the freedom and flexibility to be more specific when speaking or responding to specific children, for whom grownups may mean parents in one instance, a foster parent in another, or even an extended family member. The goal is not to become more generic but to be more aware and responsive to children’s unique life situations and experiences.

As part of your work toward this goal, learn the names that children hear or use at home to refer to the adults in their families—and use those names yourself when appropriate. A respectful way to approach families might be to ask: “What does your child call you?” or “How would you like us to refer to you when talking with your child?” 

Also note that the term “parents” may not apply for some children, such as those who live with extended family members.

Some material adapted from U.S. DHHS (2020). 

If you plan events for families, including Rainbow families is a great start. But also consider what will make them feel welcome in your center and at these events. If a family has experienced prejudice, a direct question such as “What would make you feel welcome here?” can have the unintended consequence of making them feel that they are actually not welcome by revealing that you think of them as "different" or "separate."

As you consider how to make events feel more welcoming to Rainbow families, ask yourself these questions:

1. Do we have a good sense of the needs and interests of the diverse families that we serve? 
2. How will this event benefit every family in our program?

Survey the families in your program to determine the types of events that each family might find enjoyable and beneficial. Invite family members to make recommendations or participate in the planning process if they have time. Consider ways that you can build community and prevent families from experiencing harm. 

During the event, be sure to acknowledge and welcome every family member—and use these gatherings as relationship-building opportunities. Follow up with families after the event to get their feedback.

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Rather than immediately defaulting to abolishing such holidays, consider the purpose that these holidays serve in the context of our work with young children. What are the children learning about parenthood and loving families that they are not learning at other times of the year? If we celebrate Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, what exactly are we trying to achieve?

As you reflect on the purpose and potential benefits of holiday activities, you may decide that they are important and should be observed. If this is the case, try to ensure that you observe them in inclusive ways. If engaging in an art project, for example, encourage children with two mothers or two fathers to create artwork for both parents. For children who may not have mothers or fathers in their lives, include or acknowledge the grownups who are most important to them. Consider that, in cases where adoption or surrogacy helped to build a family, parents may have specific preferences regarding how children acknowledge and include the adults who helped bring their children into the world. Finally, consider that it may be more appropriate at times for you to acknowledge and celebrate parental figures yourself instead of  directing young children to carry out craft ideas of yours that they do not truly own or understand. 

Learning about the loving relationships within families is an important part of growing up, so it should be an important part of the early childhood curriculum. How might we do a better job of reinforcing this concept throughout the year? As Mother’s Day approaches, read a book such as Stella Brings the Family—which features a little girl who brings her two daddies to a Mother’s Day celebration—to your early learners and initiate a discussion about the true meaning of family. You can also make gender-specific holidays more inclusive by encouraging children to include other male and female family members such as grandparents, aunts and uncles.

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Inclusivity does not necessarily require you to reinvent the holiday calendar. Just as you must reflect on gender-specific holidays such as Mother’s Day and Father’s Day,  ask yourself the following questions if you are considering a Family Day celebration:

1. What needs does it meet for the families in your program? 
2. How will such a celebration benefit the children in your program? 
3. Can this holiday be explored and celebrated in ways that are developmentally appropriate for the children you serve? 
4. If the concepts related to this holiday are truly important, how can you address them in your daily instruction, discussion, play, and book sharing?

Observing Family Day can provide an opportunity for children with a variety of family structures to acknowledge their loved ones. Consider children with foster parents or children being raised by extended family members. Encourage children with two moms or two dads to recognize both parents or caregivers. For children with two parents or caregivers of the same gender, encourage them to recognize both parents or caregivers.

Finally, make the most of opportunities such as Family Days to reinforce knowledge that you build consistently throughout the curriculum; such as:

• Children are members of families.
• Families take many forms.
• We can observe and talk about similarities and differences between families.
• We can bring family roles into our pretend play.

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As you consider an event of this type, ask yourself three questions: 

1. Do you have a good sense of the needs and interests of the adoptive families in your program?
2. What benefit might this event have for these families? 
3. How might this event build awareness, understanding and community among families?

It pays to learn as much as you can about the unique parenting journeys of the families in your program. With this information in hand, you can plan events and acdtivities that celebrate the parenting journeys of the families in your program in an authentic, thoughtful and meaningful way. The insights that you gain can also inform your curriculum content and literature choices throughout the year.

It also helps to include families in your event planning whenever possible. Their input will help you make more sensitive and affirming choices as you plan each school event. As you go through this process, you might be surprised to discover that there are many different types of arrangements between adoptive and birth parents. If you are proactive and informed enough to ask the adoptive parents in your program if they’d like to include their child’s birth parent(s) in a holiday celebration, for example, your thoughtfulness and sensitivity will be greatly appreciated.

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Whether or not you establish pronoun policies, sharing the pronouns that you use and asking others for theirs is a way of demonstrating respect for the personal identities of the diverse individuals in your early childhood community. This practice also prevents the harm that can be inflicted when we make assumptions that result in the misgendering of others. By engaging in this practice, you will also model the autonomy and self-determination that we all hope to nurture in the children and families that we serve.

If you share pronouns in a Zoom profile or email signature, you have already started this work! If pronouns are not self-reported and people are repeatedly misgendered, this can create an atmosphere that feels unsafe or even hostile. This can hold true regardless of the identity of a given individual, but it is most damaging to gender-diverse individuals.

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Why is this distinction important? Because the word “preferred”—while used with the best of intentions—implies that other pronouns are acceptable. When it comes to gender pronouns, however, this is rarely the case.

Fortunately, organizations such as GLSEN and the Human Rights Campaign have posted extensive resources on their websites to guide you as you build your knowledge about pronouns, their importance and how to apply them to the workplace. Visit our Resources page for more information.

In your work with children, you can show respect for their autonomy and help build their sense of self-determination by reducing your use of extensive gendering in the classroom. Visit our Gender Identity and Diversity section for suggestions and then learn how to set up an inclusive environment.

As you develop your own guidelines, consider the context (classroom, teacher/staff spaces, center/school), as well as the specific needs of staff, children, families, and community members.

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These situations are complex because they often involve deeply ingrained cultural beliefs, emotions and biases. As you interact with these families, try to engage them in a discussion to learn more about their fears or concerns about their child playing with a certain toy. This might be a good time to revisit our Plan Ahead to Address Concerns and Resistance page to review some useful strategies for approaching charged situations.

When early childhood educators veto the play choices that enable children to pursue their diverse interests, this can create an environment that feels restrictive and unsafe. This rigid enforcement of gender stereotypes violates Developmentally Appropriate Practice (NAEYC, 2023)—a framework of principles and guidelines that promote the optimal development and learning of early learners through a strengths-based, play-based approach to joyful, engaged learning. 

The world is highly gendered along the binary of male/female stereotypes. Research shows that strongly gender-typed toys can foster unhealthy traits such as violence and aggression in boys and a preoccupation with attractiveness and appearance in girls. We must be vigilant in our efforts to challenge these stereotypes if we want to create meaningful change. 

As you deal with each situation, consider the following perspectives:

• Play choices do not determine identity, but they can reflect and support children’s emerging identities.
• There is no harm associated with children exploring different toys, colors or clothing items during play.
• The strongest play preferences are the ones that develop in the home. It is important for children to learn to coexist and collaborate in the diverse world outside of their homes—especially when their play preferences are highly gendered. 
• Research supports early childhood educators who promote gender-neutral play.
• There is harm associated with limiting the play choices of children. 
• Our goal as early childhood educators is to support the development of every child’s knowledge and skills across all of the developmental domains and skill areas. When we rely on strictly gendered toys, we are less likely to achieve that goal.

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Be very cautious about this practice. Our first priority is to ensure that LGBTQ+ educators feel welcomed, supported and safe in our schools and centers. We should also strive to create an atmosphere that is free from microaggressions, prejudice and other forms of harm. Finally, we should strive to ensure that our policies protect LGBTQ+ educators from persecution aimed at their identities. 

When you ask an LGBTQ+ colleague to lead inclusive education efforts or to represent your program’s policies, that colleague may end up feeling exposed, compromised or unsafe. 

Your request also assumes that this colleague is comfortable with being a public-facing voice for all LGBTQ+ issues. Just because someone is a member of the LGBTQ+ community does not mean that they can or should be considered an authority on all LGBTQ+ issues. Additionally, we should not assume that LGBTQ+ colleagues will feel comfortable representing a program that falls short of ensuring that they feel safe and supported.

Finally, LGBTQ+ colleagues are entitled to their own professional development opportunities in this and other areas. Provide meaningful opportunities for all staff members to participate in your inclusion and social justice initiatives. But don’t shift the labor associated with this work to your LGBTQ+ colleagues. This work is everyone’s responsibility.

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It is one thing for LGBTQ+ educators to work in schools and to enjoy the basic protections of federal anti-discrimination laws. It is another for them to feel safe and supported as part of a community, free from threats and bigotry. Even in states or settings with inclusive and supportive policies, LGBTQ+ teachers can feel isolated and exposed.  

Allyship requires us to stand beside LGBTQ+ colleagues, to be bold, and to set clear, inclusive goals in an atmosphere where LGBTQ+ teachers can feel attacked, harassed and silenced. 

Visit our Build Your Knowledge section to learn additional ways to support your LGBTQ+ colleagues.

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Technically, yes. However, it is important to remember that policies for teachers in K–12 settings are not always written with early childhood education in mind. Additionally, early childhood educators often work outside of public school systems and face different types of issues. It is also the case that LGBTQ+ teachers continue to be discriminated against due to their sexual orientation, gender identity or gender expression, regardless of any federal protections that may be in place. Furthermore, many early childhood educators work in settings where religious bigotry is practiced. So, in reality, federal employment protections may not be sufficient to ensure the safety and job security of early childhood educators in each state. Furthermore, school policies and local, state and federal laws are complex and ever-changing. We don’t always have the time to study these laws and policies—or to keep up with the changes.

Here are three things you can do to help: 

1. Speak up on behalf of your LGBTQ+ colleagues to ensure that your school or center has or adopts inclusive and anti-discriminatory employment policies.
2. Learn more about the conditions faced by LGBTQ+ educators in your state. Visit our Resources section to find organizations that support and share data about LGBTQ+ educators.
3. Proudly and vocally share your support for LGBTQ+ educators and Rainbow families!