If children encounter or learn about a family with an unfamiliar structure, this type of question may help them expand their concept of families to include types of families that are new to them. Remember that the goal of our instruction is to help children understand, recognize and openly discuss family diversity. Consider what you can do to ensure that children do not see people with experiences that are different from their own as “less than.” Convey the idea that families can come in many different forms—and one kind of family is not better than another. When a child asks a question like the one above, say: "A family with two dads is not 'missing' a mom; it just happens to be a family with two dads!” Sharing books that feature Rainbow families will also help to ensure that children recognize family diversity as an everyday reality. Visit our Inclusive Children's Books section for examples.

When children ask a question like this, consider that there are two areas of knowledge that you will need to help them develop. The first is the concept of gender itself. What preconceptions do we have about the ways that “boys” and “girls” should look? Do people really look that way? In what ways is the world more complex than those two categories? We can encourage children to reconsider these constructs in the same way that we teach them to expand or refine other mental constructs: “Not all furry animals with four legs are cats. Not every sweet drink is juice. Not everyone who wears pants and has short hair is a boy.” As children discover that the world is more complex than they thought, they will begin to think and communicate in new ways. When children ask about gender, you can begin to broaden their understanding by asking: “What do you think?” Then you can explore the reasons why.

The second area of knowledge requires us to keep the following ideas in mind as we interact with young children and respond to their questions:

• It is okay not to know someone’s gender.
• If we don’t know someone’s gender, this does not give us the right to ask.
• We can tell others who we are and we let others tell us who they are.
• We do not need to know someone’s gender in order to treat them kindness and respect.

As children mature, support them as they declare, own and express their gender identities. Teach them that no one should declare, own or label the genders of others and emphasize that gender identity should not determine who we sit with, talk to, or play with. By doing so, you will be teaching young children to respect—rather than police—the gender identities of other people.

The gendering of colors is one of the most arbitrary ways that adults and children codify gender expectations in early childhood. Early on, children receive messages that influence beliefs about who children can like, what they can play with, and what they can wear. 

Colors simply exist. Humans did not invent them, and colors do not have a gender or innate meaning of any kind. Nonetheless, we continue to code gender by color, steer children into prescribed color choices, and stigmatize children who do not conform to these expectations. These arbitrary ideas about gender and color change over time. Children are pushed toward or away from certain colors for a while until the pendulum swings in the other direction and we push them toward or away from other colors. A review of historical trends with regard to color and gender reveals how arbitrary and pointlessly controlling this type of gender policing truly is.

What can you do to disrupt this gendering of color? Whenever you see children or adults policing a child’s color choices, step in and put a stop to it. Say: “Each one of you can like any color you want.” 

So you’ve taken a stand. Now what? Unfortunately, this type of behavior indicates that color gendering has already infiltrated your early childhood community. It’s going to take more than a strongly worded statement to change years of early conditioning. Push back by creating an inclusive environment and avoid making gender-based assumptions about what “boys” or “girls” can do. Provide opportunities for children to explore different colors and materials and validate them when they break free of rigidly gendered color choices.

This line of questioning can make adults uncomfortable—in part because they often mistake it for a question about the details of reproduction. Even if a young child asks how two moms can have a baby, that child is often simply trying to make sense of a new family structure: "How can this be if I have never seen it before?"

Your answer can—and should—be very simple. Say: “Any family can have a baby, whether there are two parents or one parent or two moms or two dads.” Many early childhood programs serve children with diverse family structures. By representing the many different types of families in your teaching, as well as your classroom displays and library, you can help ensure that the children in your program see diverse families not as “less than” and not as a departure from the norm, but as an integral part of our social fabric.

When a child asks this question, you might be tempted to overthink your response. But the answer is really quite simple. Say: “When two grown-ups love each other, they sometimes get married. And yes, two dads can get married!” 

If this answer requires children to see the world in a different way, you can help them reconcile this new information with their experience of the world by sharing books that depict Rainbow families. To get started, visit our Inclusive Children’s Books section for Stories that Feature LGBTQ+ Families. 

If your program serves children with two moms or two dads, keep in mind that you’ll also need to help these children feel seen, welcomed and understood. Don't wait for children to wonder or ask. Teach about family diversity!

This type of question can feel challenging if you approach it from an adult perspective. But children don’t need to understand the complexities of adult relationships and how they unfold. They are simply trying to understand how families and relationships differ. 

To help young children expand their understanding of family diversity, you might say: “Two men or two women can live together just like any adults can live together. They might be sharing a house or an apartment, they might be living together as friends, or they might be living together as a family. They come to live with one another in the same ways that other adults do: They find a place to live, move their belongings in, and then go about their lives just like anyone else.”

As you support young children in their gender exploration and expression, default to deference and respect whenever possible. Help children recognize that gender is an important part of who we are—and stress that it is each child’s right to tell others who they are. 

If children ask if they can “be the boy” in a play scenario, the answer should be a simple “yes.” Sometimes children may claim another gender as a playful gesture. At other times, they may want to actively explore the experience of being another gender or be seeking a sense of their own identity and belonging. Regardless of the motivation, children seek our approval and register our reactions as they explore and express different gender identities. You can empower early learners to choose and own their gender identities. This may sound daunting, but it can be as simple as saying to a child: “You tell me who you are.”

While it is true that children may claim different genders on different days—and that gender can be a playful concept for them—be careful not to minimize gender expression on any given day as no more than a passing interest. It can be beneficial to consistently remind children: “You can tell me who you are.” This will communicate to them that gender is theirs to claim and that they may be communicating something very important to us. 

If children express or name their gender differently on different days, simply follow along with them. Regardless of how they express their gender identities later in life, children should harbor positive feelings and a sense of pride as they engage in gender exploration. This exploration should never lead to mistreatment by others.